|My heart and my mind were not walking hand in hand, tossed back and forth, side to side, stuck in the middle, there I was.
Launched into a battle within myself
Set aside what you want.
Do what is right.
In the here and now of a 43 year old spiritually awakened woman I am reliving the life of a 11 year old girl who has carried forward pains and hurts. Torments of earlier years resurface and I’m left realizing how much of a wall I have built.
Rationalization and justification in the here and now are loud.
“This is your business”
“You get to make the decisions”
“You can choose who you desire to work with”
And then the little girl comes in.
“Don’t leave anyone behind”
“You know how it feels”
“Don’t be the person to hurt other people”
It’s heart vs MIND
I feel the angst in my chest, it’s tight, I’m nervous, I feel contractive and a little bit panicked.
Going back to that time (I) my 11 year old little girl knew what it felt like for someone to be so cruel.
I hadn’t realized the impact it had.
I hadn’t realized how much it has ruled my life.
I never knowingly chose to carry it forward.
But there was, it was as though it happened yesterday.
My BFF…. she delivered newspapers. The Ottawa Citizen.
Our families were neighbours.
Our parents were best friends.
Our family did literally everything together, including sell our homes, buy new lots side by side, and build knew homes.
Her family was heading off on vacation and so as usual, she asked if I would deliver her papers.
Of course I would, I always had.
And so the day came, she brought me the paper bag with the list of customers written out and left in the bottom of the bag.
Their family left and Saturday morning paper day arrived quickly.
Papers picked up from the end of the driveway, packed into the bag and the list that was folded up into a neat little square, was placed in my coat pocket.
Out I went.
Half way through the route I had to look at that list.
AND THAT’S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
My eyes drawn to the capital letters across the bottom of the page.
From YOUR FORMER FRIEND ________
Tears, confusion, resentment, hurt, distress, all of it landed on me at once.
Who does that? Asks you to help them and then does that. WHY? What had I done? So many questions, on I’d go to finish the papers, tears rolling down my cheeks and heavy sobs when I couldn’t hold them back any longer.
Days of feeling lost.
Days of hiding.
Months of pretending.
From that day forward I would be the nice girl.
Today it all came crashing down.
All the feels and frustrations of feeling chained to being the nice one, the one that sacrifices herself for others, the one that fixes things for everyone else, the one that needs to feel supported but has always been terrified to believe she was, just in case it all happens again.
It was a wall I built that I wasn’t aware of.
It was a self protection mechanism.
It was how I stayed safe and how I’ve endured so much.
An inner battle of mind and heart.
All I desired to do was, extend a personal invitation to those I adore, that desire deep growth, that show up for themselves.
My 11 year old little girl showed up and felt like I was doing to others what my BFF did to me.
I was excluding.
I was being mean.
I was leaving someone behind.
The old emotional traumas run so deep, they catch us off guard AND they show up so that they can be released.
I know that, I know all of it.
It is my life’s work….and yet…it all happened suddenly and unexpectedly.
I released the old emotional traumas.
I did the same work I guide those I work with through.
I came back to the here and now, and I allowed my heart to lead the way.
I offered the invitation.
My whole body vibrating, as I tried to assimilate this new way of being, free of that hurt.
It was uncomfortable and it was unknown to me.
I was terrified that it would not be received with the love that I extended it with.
As quick as I hit send, I closed my computer and found some other distractions.
I settled inside of myself.
Coming back to my morning doings and responding to some emails I’d find a response to my invitation.
Her words: So beautifully written….all of it.
I found myself rushing through it first and stopped myself, your words deserved to be fully taken in and I deserved to feel those words. I felt those words deeply and am amazed at your own journey you shared with us in our group. I feel very honoured to be invited personally.
There I’d stand trying to make a banana walnut shake in the kitchen with a full blown ugly cry happening.
This beautiful soul showed my 11 year old little girl that:
My invitation was pure and that’s how it was received.
That this is “nice”.
That this soul felt included not discluded.
That I was safe to feel the desires of my heart and follow them. That we are allowed to BE NICE TO OURSELVES FIRST.
So many years flashed before my eyes.
Years of feeling unheard, unvalued, taken advantage of.
All of it leading to that one single experience.
To those that have never experienced anything like I had, it will seem ridiculous that it has had such a huge effect on my life.
To those that have experienced anything similar, they will feel it to their core.
We are all walking about as our adult selves reliving the experiences that have not yet been released from earlier days. Every once in a while I am gifted with an experience like today that shows me what I have… been allowing to impact my life.
For any of you out there that have felt the heaviness of battling nice girl syndrome, my heart offers you this invitation.
Be NICE TO YOURSELF FIRST.
It may be uncomfortable and it may be unknown to you.
You may be terrified that it will be met with resistance…BUT
If you are willing to trust your heart, you may just receive a beautiful message from a beautiful someone that reminds you that you are safe, that you are valued, that you are worthy and those walls you have built, will begin to crumble.
Have you been living like I have with nice girl syndrome?
I see you , I love you, I am you