MEETING ANXIETY AT THE EDGE

May 13, 2019

 

There I’d lie in a full blown anxiety attack while the world around me was sleeping in complete peace.

Not understanding why, suddenly it felt as though the world was caving in on me. I would surrender. There I’d lie willing to let it be fully experienced with a knowing that without resistance I would understand what was happening by the time it was complete.

At least that was my hope. It’s what I knew to be true after popping pills for years to control what were the uncontrollable attacks. It was how I had transformed and shifted so many times in the past.

There was no reason for it. No sudden jolt to the system.

We had just finished watching a movie, Pascal had just drifted off to sleep beside me. My daughter had landed in bed early that night. All had been calm. Just as I began to fade, it struck!

Our son wasn’t home from work yet. His shift ended at 10 pm. He had been at school all day. My mind couldn’t let go of this heavy feeling. My gosh he must be exhausted, that is such a long day. I jumped right into thinking about the next day and the day after which would be more of the same for him. The anxiety in my chest was steadily increasing.

The pressure, the quickening of my heart beat, the heat I was feeling, it was unlike any attack I’d experienced in previous years. This one was different.

As soon as I thought “this one is different” I realized what was truer!

I WAS DIFFERENT

I was in a place that I could surrender to it, I could break the pattern, I could see what needed to be seen and I could permanently dissolve it.

What was beneath it all?
What was actually happening?
Why was it showing up now?
What did it mean?

I’m not going to sugar coat it, I did not enjoy it. It was not comfortable. But I knew that it was time for this karmic pattern to be dissolved.

The truth underneath it is that, I was feeling completely UNDESERVING.
I was feeling GUILTY.
I was feeling like I was not doing ENOUGH.

My son, my husband, my daughter…… each of them {out} working.
And here I am all la-te-dahing all over the place at home.

Excuse my language but fuck me that was HUGE.

Even I need to keep coming back to it: here I am all la-te-dahing all over the place at home

Whoa

Undeserving
Guilty of not doing and being enough

These are NOT MY TRUTHS ABOUT MYSELF.

This is the part that you need to really, deeply, intimately understand.
These are the Karmic Patterns that play on repeat until you are ready to dissolve them permanently.

I have dissolved so many, this is not new information to me and yet this one caught me by complete surprise. The thing is, you cannot just say I’m going to clear all my karmic patterns and be done with it. You have to move through them as you grow and expand in both consciousness and awareness. Until you can dis-cover the truth within it, it cannot be cleared. Until you have the support to be witness to, rather than a victim of what’s happening to you that awareness is not available to you.

What I know to be true about myself is that:

  • I have held our family together through multiple massive traumas.
  • I have done everything and anything I needed to do, to ensure my children would grow up as responsible contributing members of society with a heart filled of compassion and willingness.
  • I have always been (at least) an equal financial contributor to our home.
  • I support hundreds of women in transforming their lives, moving through traumas and stepping into their worthiness.
  • There is not a person who’s come to me with a dream that I’ve not supported.
  • I give freely (to a fault)
  • I live in both inner and outer integrity.
  • I ask very little of anyone
  • I am selfless

So isn’t it fascinating that, even though I know all of that to be true, the mind fuck that is sub consciously driving me is that I am Undeserving and Guilty of not doing or being enough.

The feelings of: I should not be at home enjoying my days, playing in the woods, digging in the dirt, connecting with women I hold dear and sharing my heart while being financially compensated and instead I should be out punching a clock comes from….

a LONG LINEAGE OF WOMEN who felt:

  • inadequate
  • unsafe to claim their hearts desires
  • could only dream and not do
  • were made to feel like they were less than
  • did not have free choice
  • like they could not stop doing for others what was expected of them
  • they did not have the right or the ability to financially support themselves

For me, this is the time to dissolve this karmic pattern. I could not have done it sooner, there were other things that needed to be dissolved first.

I share this with you not because I believe that you have this same pattern but because: situations, circumstances and experiences in our lives are all too often over looked. People tend to think, ah it’s just life, it’s just hard, I just have to push through. But the that is not the truth, just like I know that being undeserving and guilty of not doing and being enough is not my truth.

We are at a point in time within the collective consciousness that the old patterns, the things you thought you had dealt with are showing up again…. to give you the opportunity to permanently dissolve them.

For myself I am committed to breaking the lineage of those before me. I will do for them, what they could not do for themselves. I will do for those that I brought into this world, what others did not have the ability to do for me.

One more truth, it takes as much discomfort and energy to live through the patterns over and over as it does to permanently dissolve them. I stand for freedom and I know that to experience that kind of freedom requires us to free ourselves of what has been subconsciously running us.

What are the patterns resurfacing for you? Are you at a point in time that you are ready to permanently dissolve them?

I see you, I love you, I am you.

Remember…
Life’s not meant to be hard. Let it be easy!

 

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